I believe anyone that has had a rough childhood seeks to make their adult life different. They set their mind to the task of not turning out like their parents. However, many of us look back as adults and are shocked to find out that we have become the very thing we vowed to never become. Why? How can we desire to not become a certain way, yet we become the very thing we despise? The answer is both simple and profound. The truth is, the mind is the same thing as a computer. It is a blank slate at birth and during the course of our childhood it is programmed. Now, the problem is, if we are raised in a difficult environment our programming can be unwelcoming. The mind is a complex machine that many people don’t even come close to understanding. Even those that dedicate their lives to studying the mind and understanding how it works are constantly surprised at the things they have found. I will not say I am anywhere near an expert on this topic. However, I have come across some things that I feel are imperative for many people to know and understand. I know many people do not want to go down this road, because it is a painful journey. However, bear with me and I will explain to you why your childhood is the key to a happy future and how embracing your pain is the answer to a happy life!
Best Intentions
Most parents genuinely want the best for their children. However, there is no sure fire way to ensure that our children will turn out the way we hope. If we genuinely want the best for our children, then we must work together to ensure we do our best to locate the issues that will prevent us from being able to optimize our children's emotional and psychological well-being to avoid future problems. The only way we will be able to accomplish this is to understand what basic emotional necessities our children require. We must also acknowledge what types of events will cause a child difficulties both presently and as they grow and become adults.
Now, before you get overwhelmed, it is important to note that it is neither necessary or possible to be a perfect parent. There will be mistakes made, and your child will face situations that will scare him or her. You have to try your best to put your child in an environment that allows them to learn and thrive, or as the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott says, “good enough parenting.” Good enough parenting means the child is loved and valued for who they are, not for how they behave, and the child is nurtured, cared for and protected, but not coddled. Disappointments and frustrations may be painful for a parent to watch a child go through, but it is essential that they experience these things and learn healthy ways to deal with them. It is the parent's responsibility to allow the child to experience these emotions and help him or her develop healthy ways to deal with these emotions. This will enable the child to learn to tolerate and cope with these types of experiences as they grow into adults. I believe it is essential to understand and point out that parents are not the only ones that need to help. Any adult in a child's life can help teach, guide and support the child.
It is vital for a child to feel important. However, we must be careful to ensure they do not develop too big an ego. Parents that allow their children to have too much freedom and make them feel like they are the center of everything risk setting their children up for a rough adulthood. It is important to show children love, affirmation, guidance, protection, and set limits on them to help them develop and function well as adults. Children raised within these parameters have a better chance of growing into high-functioning adults that have confidence, self-worth, and constructive coping strategies under challenging times.
Experiences that lead to difficulties in childhood and into adulthood typically fall into two categories: the absence of certain necessities and the presence of hurtful events. To ensure that a child does not grow up with a lack of confidence and self-worth it is crucial not to neglect a child, to give them praise (just not so much they get a swelled head) and encourage them to do positive things.
We must ensure our children are protected from some of the more hurtful experiences. If children do not get some protection from hurtful experiences, then they will grow up to feel helpless and worthless. They will feel like they are not entitled to protection and could feel like they deserve to be hurt. Many experiences can emotionally hurt a child such as overly harsh criticism, shaming, blaming or the instilling of guilt. Physical abuse such as excessively harsh corporal punishment or beatings with fists, belts or other objects, or sexual abuse can also lead to deep emotional trauma.
There are many experiences that can occur at home, at school, during extra-curricular activities or in play-time that can hurt a child. Children are often picked on, bullied, insulted and taken advantage of. Many are ostracized and isolated by their peers and made to feel worthless and useless. A guardian that is overly-controlling, perfectionist or narcissistic can add to their trauma. There is a fine line between pushing a child to do good to ensure they have a good future, and pushing a child to do great because it makes you feel accomplished. Knowing the difference and setting limits on how much and how hard you push your child is important to their health. One of the more subtle ways children are often hurt is, when one or both parents force a child to be responsible for tasks that they are too young to manage. When children are given responsibilities that they are too young for they feel incompetent and inadequate. Some examples of these tasks that many children are forced to do are: caring for younger children, managing a household at a young age, becoming a parental confidante, mediator between fighting parents, being responsible for the family's finances, forced to perform activities at school at a level that is beyond them, or forced to perform activities they do not want to do. It’s not always parent’s that are the culprits. Teachers, coaches and peers can also be guilty of pushing children too far. It is important to keep in mind that there is a fine line between encouraging a child to do their best and making them feel oppressed by adult expectations. In order to protect our children from being hurt and prevent issues from developing, we must be aware of how a child’s self-confidence, self-worth, sense of optimism and ability to function can be compromised. There are other experiences that cause harm to a child such as; when a parent or sibling becomes ill, hurt or dies, when one or both parents are quite young and not equipped to handle parenting, when a parent has a mental illness and their symptoms are expressed in bad ways towards the children, when stress causes parents to react poorly towards children, and serious addictions or trouble in a marriage. Many children show signs of dysfunction or disturbance such as; excessive anger, sleep refusal, acting out, defiance, compulsive behaviors, destructive behavior towards themselves or others, truancy, school failure, agitation or moodiness. It is essential to search for the roots of this behavior, so we can address the problem immediately to improve things for the child. When I was a child, my grandmother taught me about something called a generational curse. This was a belief that the sins of our ancestors can be passed down from one generation to another. Now, according to Christian belief, this can be broken through specific prayers. Admittedly, I never really believed this to be true. However, to my surprise, I discovered that science backs up this belief. Inter-generational Trauma is the idea that severe trauma can affect the children and grandchildren of the people that had the 1st hand experience. If you have ever lived with someone that had PTSD, then you know all too well what kind of challenges this can bring. Due to the discoveries made in the emerging field of epigenetics, science has discovered that trauma is being passed down to future generations through more than learned behaviors. Researchers have studied how the trauma that Holocaust survivors have experienced has affected their children and grandchildren. Based on this research and other instances they have determined that trauma or its effects are being passed down through our genes. Many of us have been taught that the genes we get from our parents have been passed onto our children and us and there is nothing we can do in our lives to change them. Due to this, many people falsely believe that they are victims of their genetics and nothing they do will change that. Now, it is true that some things health wise are genetic and cannot be altered, However, epigenetics has discovered that this is not true. We do pass on the same chromosomes from parent to child. However, their quality can be improved or diminished once we receive them by the choices we make during our lifetime. It is vital for us to understand this fact and precisely what we can do to improve our genetics for future generations.
What is Epigenetics?
The image of a DNA double helix is well known. What we need to imagine is each of these thirteen rungs in the spiral ladder that makes a chromosome is not merely a rung, but a binary, amino acid ‘on/off' switch. This means, even though you received the same chromosomes of your parents, this chromosome has been changing according to the way you've been living. The rungs of the ladder will turn off and on depending on the environment you are in. The problem is, for many the environment doesn't change from one generation to the next. This makes it look like we are victims of our genes when in reality we are victims of our never-changing environment. Our genes respond to the environment just like we are. Our DNA exists at the heart of our cells and provides the instructions for the creation of new cells. Therefore, if we put ourselves in a better environment then our parents, we will be able to create better DNA which equals better instructions for cells to be generated and it will give us a happier, healthier body. If we do not seek to establish a better life for ourselves and stay in the same environment or a worse environment, our epigenetic structure will be degraded. This will lead to our genes lowering our immunity and fertility. It will also increase our susceptibility to cellular mutation.
Addiction to Chaos
Chaos is something we all dread. However, many people seem to thrive in this environment and some would argue they seek out chaotic environments. Why? Well, the answer lies in our childhood. Many of these individuals are addicts and they were raised in environments that were chaotic. Their parents or loved ones were addicts, abusive or suffered from mental illnesses. They were raised within these chaotic environments. Chaos became their normal. A chaotic environment for these individuals became as normal as cartoons on Saturday morning for others. A few examples of the chaotic environment many individuals are raised in are: constant yelling and screaming, children arriving home from school to find their caregiver(s) severely under the influence (pick your poison), and people coming and going in rotating-door fashion. Living in a chaotic and dysfunctional environment can cause trauma. However, continuous chaos in a child’s life can become normal with time. This may sound strange. However, keep in mind that a child's mind is like a new computer. It must be programmed in order to function. A child’s surroundings help program his or her brain. If the child is in a chaotic environment then this becomes the basic programming. In essence the chaos becomes normal and normal becomes chaotic. As we get older many of us learn that our childhood chaos was not right. However, many people do not dig deep enough into their mind to change that base programming and their mind draws them to the chaos that it sees as normal, and not the normal that life has taught them. Consequently, many people find themselves unintentionally creating chaos out of normal situations.
The best way to determine if a behavior is a problem is to see if it impacts an individual’s daily functioning. If an individual is so consumed by engaging in a practice that it affects their ability to eat, sleep, bathe regularly, the quality of their relationships, their finances, and employment, or any other factor that is embodied in the normalcy of a person's life, then they have an addiction. When one becomes an addict they continue to engage in the destructive behavior despite the growing consequences and their compulsive craving for participating in this behavior consumes them. Addiction to chaos is no different than addiction to drugs, alcohol or working. However, it can be challenging to diagnose. This is because this addiction is usually a companion of another more noticeable habit. We treat the one we see and neglect the one we don't. Later on, this addiction comes back to haunt us and we either relapse, or we find another obsession.
If you find yourself comfortable in a chaotic environment or drawn to chaos then there is a good chance you have an addiction to chaos. If you are familiar with addiction then you know acknowledging this is your first step. It is highly recommended that you should seek out a mental health provider to assist you in determining how chaos has defined your life and the steps you can take to have a better, healthier life. It is also important to understand that you will feel some anxiety during this process. Addiction tends to help addicts manage their anxiety. So when you try to stop this behavior, anxiety will come on strong. Many individuals with an addiction to chaos feel weird in a non-chaotic environment. It is important for these individuals to acknowledge that they will feel uncomfortable during this change. There are many ways to cope with this feeling such as: meditation, music, and talking with family and friends. It’s important to not allow your anxiety push you into a chaotic environment or push you into using again. If you slip, do not beat yourself up over it. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. You will run into obstacles and their is a good chance you will mess up. It’s important to acknowledge these slips and analyze the situation that caused the issue. The more you are able to analyze your life, the easier it will be to identify the factors that are drawing you to chaos and addiction. Another major step in moving forward is forgiveness. Forgiveness can be a difficult thing to do. Some people do not even see where forgiveness is essential. Some believe by forgiving someone they are saying what they did was ok. Forgiveness does not ok the wrong that was done. Forgiveness simply allows you to let go of the pain and trauma. Forgiving the people responsible for your crazy, messed up childhood is the key to a better future and quite possibly the key to ending your addiction to chaos. One thing that many people fail to realize is the amount of energy it takes to hold onto an emotional wound. Even a small grudge can take its toll on the body. Holding onto anger and resentment requires a lot of energy, and it is non-refundable. If we fail to heal our childhood wounds and refuse to forgive those that hurt us as children, we remain stuck emotionally at the age of our earliest injuries. Due to our inability to let go, our mind stays in that emotional state and does not grow. Whenever events occur that trigger that emotional hurt, you unconsciously react in a way that you would have at the time of the instance. For some, they do not respond as the child version of themselves, but in a way that someone close to them reacted such as drinking, drugs, and abusive behavior. It is important to recognize that this is an automatic emotional response to an unhealed wound. These Individuals have little to no control over their emotions or behavior. Year after year, you repeat the same damaging behavior, and it destroys your life and the relationships you have with your loved ones.
Law of Attraction
According to the New Thought philosophy, the Law of Attraction is the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts people can bring positive or negative experiences into their life. The issue we have here is simple. The mind wants to be at peace. Therefore, it tries to attract people that will trigger you to face your pain and force you to forgive. The issue many people face is, they are unwilling to face this pain or to forgive those that hurt them so deeply. This triggers the fight or flight response, and for many, their response is an addictive behavior of some form. Once we recognize this pattern, we can turn things around and start attracting people that will help us grow.
Blame Game
Many people want to blame someone for the pain they are feeling. Unfortunately, this keeps the wound alive and tells your subconscious mind that these individuals have power over your life. Blame becomes a virus in your life, and we become entangled in this negative energy. Until we let go, we cannot grow emotionally beyond the point of the original pain. Forgiveness is the key to your emotional freedom. Understandably this is easier said than done, but why?
The mind does not want to cause you harm. Blame, anger and many related emotions are its defensive guards to protect itself from future damage. True forgiveness requires you to release this defense. Forgiveness creates an emotional risk. Trust plays a vital role in moving forward. Loving people will often do hurtful things, and there is no guarantee that when you forgive someone from your past, they will not hurt you again. However, for your sanity, you must take the risk and trust that letting go and forgiving the individuals that hurt you in the past is what you need to help you grow. Forgiveness isn't about the other person nor does it change what happened. It was a bad thing and they were wrong for doing it. Forgiveness is about accepting what happened and embracing the pain. We must acknowledge that it happened, and it hurt, and it may continue to hurt, but we will not let the fear of that pain force us to do things now that will cause us harm or cause us to harm those we love.
Emotional wounds are often confused with the event or experience that caused the wound. However, the actual wound is not the situation or circumstance. The core emotional wound is always unworthiness. A child’s Primary Emotional Need (PEN) is to feel worthy. Let me tell you something you may not know. There is absolutely nothing you can do to prove, improve, or disprove worth. No matter what anyone says to you or what your mind tries to tell you, you are worthy of a happy life. You are worthy!
When we give into our Disempowering beliefs such as unworthiness, powerlessness, and victim-hood, we put ourselves in survival mode. If this is left unchecked, it will cause serious problems. Emotion is our bodies way of warning us. Emotional pain is our bodies way of alerting us to a false belief that needs to be handled before it gets out of hand. It is difficult for many people to understand this concept. These lies have been told to us since childhood by people we trust. Therefore, we embrace these lies as truth and allow ourselves to be deeply hurt to the point that our actions have horrific effects on ourselves and those we love.
Parental Failure
Contrary to what many of us have been taught. It is pretty difficult if not impossible for parents to meet all of their children’s emotional needs. In fact, most emotional wounds we experience are a direct result of our parents parenting style or family issues (pick your poison here). The problem will start as a child, and when the emotional wound is left unchecked, it will grow with the child into adulthood. Some teenagers learn to protect themselves from judgment and manipulation by closing their hearts and putting up energetic barriers. The problem with this is, it does not protect us from the emotional pain. It keeps the pain inside and prevents us from healing. It took me a long time to come to this realization. When I finally released this shield, the emotional flood was massive, but I will say it was worth releasing!
There are many adults today that still seek out their parents approval or validation. Although it is understandable to want your parents to be proud of what you have done. You must ensure that the reason is not due to some emotional trauma from your childhood that is trying to reach out to you. It is important not to blame your parents for the mistakes they have made in raising you. Blame only makes you more powerless. They are only human just like you and they did the best they could. Understandably some parents intentionally do harm to their children, but many times they too were done wrong and are simply repeating the same errors they were taught. Sometimes we have to go back a few generations to truly get to the root of the problem. However, Self-responsibility is your ticket to a better life. When you accept self-responsibility you own your unconditional worth and take back your power by releasing the expectation that your parents meet any of your emotional needs. Also, in doing this you release the need for an apology, acknowledgment or retribution from the ones that did you harm. I know what you are thinking, “ that’s not fair. They did me wrong.” This is true. However, this is not about them. This is about you and your future starts with letting go of the past and acknowledging your power. Your parents played an important role in raising you. However, their ability to meet your emotional or physical needs were limited to their own personal growth and the environment they were in. Yes, they made bad choices. Yes, they could of or should of done better. However, if you refuse to forgive them and take responsibility for yourself and your actions you will inevitably make the same mistakes as them and continue this cycle of disappointment with your own children.
Boundaries
As humans, we are always setting limits with others. A respectful boundary is a good thing, and it is crucial that we establish these boundaries with our parents. The barriers you require with your parents are up to you. Everyone's needs are different. It is essential to sit down and determine what boundaries you need to establish and discuss it with your parents. It is important to remember that you are all adults and respect should be vital in determining what boundaries are set. This doesn't have to be one-sided either. If either parent has some boundaries for you, then you should be respectful enough to honor them. If for any reason one or both parents are unreasonable or they fail to maintain a boundary then you should discuss this with them in a respectful way. If they continue to be disrespectful or flat out, refuse to go along. Then you should distance yourself from them while ensuring they understand exactly why you choose to remain distant.
Our childhood plays an important role on our lives. When we look at history we find that many cultures were not kind to children. As a result we can see generation after generation exhibit the same and often worse behaviors as the ones before them. For those that were lucky enough to grow up in a non-chaotic environment, it is difficult to understand how intoxicating chaos and addiction can be. For those that were unlucky enough to grow up in chaos and around addiction it is difficult to escape this “normal life”. Childhood wounds are difficult to overcome. Although I would love to see a world where no child has to endure this kind of torture. I believe that great things can and do come from being able to endure and overcome this trauma. Wounds from childhood will often teach us lessons we would have never learned any other way. We learn independence, wisdom, and compassion. Without some emotional challenges in our lives we will fail to see our best attributes come to life. I have had my fair share of childhood trauma, It pales in comparison to what I know others have faced. However, by breaking free from the chaos of our childhood, forgiving those that have hurt us, and establishing proper boundaries with loved ones we can set ourselves up for a better future and help to establish a way of life for our children that the generations before us have said is impossible to obtain.
The choice is yours!
Now that we have uncovered and acknowledged all that childhood pain. Where to go from here? How about we work on Reprogramming your mind?
